The Blog of thatsnotme

it looks like im going to go through with this therapeutic community.

any good reasons anyone can come up with to tell my friends why im staying by uni but taking a year off and disappearing every monday wednesday friday, not drinking or taking drugs, and going back to uni next year?

 

i like dan's idea best so far. im taking a year out to learn to train the lion i keep under my bed. the one who gave me all the scars on my arms.

not very believable though,.

So Ive been popping in and out since I took my break just when someone sends me a message or comments on my story.

 

I felt like I had taken adequate steps and was safe to come back here.

 

So yesterday, hearing that Journey had scribbled something for me (yay!!!) i came back. peeked around here and there.

 

 

 

sorry guys, but Im running a mile from this one.... i dont know what happened two or three days ago but it seemed horrible and i didnt like the sound of it one bit.

 

back to square one. im back in hiding.

 

sorry. but this place seems icky now. and scary. everyones so angry at each other. at people they dont know, have never met. i dont get it.

12:25pm

 

I hate 'escape the room' games.

12:43

HA FUCK YOU MR RAINBOW ROOM.

 

Things are pretty shit here. Feels as if my heart is breaking.

Right now it hurts too much to really talk about so I havent been around much. You're all too nice and caring and for some reason I cant handle that right now.

Ive just been hiding in Dans room. Seeing only friends. Avoiding leaving his house. I feel safe there.

He told me he loves me earlier. Just as a friend, but it was a lovely feeling,. I would be glad to have him as a friend.

Stuff with the therapeutic community is happening. to scary to talk about.

sarah comes back sunday. dont know what to say to her.

everythings pretty crap. it hurts. i need to do some thinking and talking

just not yet

 

Written when I was about 15. Very scary looking back on it all.

 

Some are just short bits. some longer.

Most aren't very good.

Here goes.

 

 

 

Maybe when its silent

we can hear each other scream

Maybe when I'm gone

You can explain what 'friends' mean

Maybe when I'm lonely

You can tell me what she's like

Maybe when you're lying,

Well, maybe then we might.

___________

 

I wrote this

as an apology

For being me

Or just not being you

 

I wrote this

as a promise

to learn to keep secrets

To learn to lie

 

I wrote this

as a confession

to how bad I really feel

But I tell you I'm fine

 

I wrote this

as the beginning

to a story not mine to tell

But I will

 

I wrote this

as the end

of a life full

of apologies

promises

confessions

and you.

__________________

I'm so empty

you're so unclear

i'm so tired

and you're not here

 

I'm so lost

you are so strong

I'm so hurt

but we are so wrong

_________

If it would bring you closer

Id live it all again

if it would make you love me

then just say when

 

if it stops your hurting

I can stop sharing

if it makes it easier

you can stop caring

 

I don't care who hurts me

as long as you don't

if you can please love me

i promiseIwont

 

your words are so clear

yet you misunderstood

you would talk to God

if only you could

 

you try so hard

with what you say

blood speaks volumes

where words get in the way

 

your words are too loud

for anyone to hear

so you whisper them quietly

to anyone near

 

but I'm willing to listen

if only you would

I'm willing to fight

if onlyIcould

 

The closer you get

the further I run

the more that I feel you

the worse I become

the less that I tell you

the safe I feel

the more that I hide

the less that is real

the distance between us

is never enough

for me to feel safe

For for you to give up

 

Manic Street Preachers- Faster....

I hate purity

Hate goodness

I dont want virtue to exist anywhere

I want everyone corrupt



I am an architect, they call me a butcher

I am a pioneer, they call me primitive

I am purity, they call me perverted

Holding you but I only miss these things when they leave



I am idiot drug hive, the virgin, the tattered and the torn

Life is for the cold made warm and they are just lizards

Self-disgust is self-obsession honey and I do as I please

A morality obedient, only to the cleansed repented



I am stronger than mensa, miller and mailer

I spat out plath and pinter

I am all the things that you regret

A truth that washes that learnt how to spell



The first time you see yourself naked you cry

Soft skin now acne, foul breath, so broken

He loves me truly this mute solitude Im draining

I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing



Sleep cant hide the thoughts splitting through my mind

Shadows arent clean, false mirrors too many people awake

If you stand up like a nail then you will be knocked down

Ive been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else



I am stronger than mensa, miller and mailer

I spat out plath and pinter

I am all the things that you regret

A truth that washes that learnt how to spell, learnt to spell



So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything

 

Indeed,

 

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar

And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Just spoke to my ex, Chris. We had been together 2 years before I couldnt love him any more, and decided to sabotage everything and throw away one of the most amazing guys ive ever known.

he got a new girlfriend and stuff. we were all meant to be going to reading festival this year, the same group that went last year, my best friends.

i spoke to him and he wants to sell my ticket to his girlfriend. and he doesnt want me to camp with him anymore because it will be awkward.

this is exactly what i didnt want. i couldnt handle him as a boyfriend, i couldnt handle a boyfriend, but i hate losing my best friend. but he says i asked for this.

hes changed so much and im so lost

its just hit me that im alone. completely alone.

'if it makes you less sad

i would die by your hand

you can find out who you are

already know what i am

and if it makes you less sad

we'll start talking again

you can tell me how vile

i already know that i am

ill grow old

start acting my age

will be a brand new day

in the life that you hate

a crown of gold

a heart thats harder than stone

when it hurts to hold on

but its missed when its gone

call me a safe bet

im betting im not

glad that you can forgive

only hoping as time goes

you can forget

if it makes you less sad

ill move out of this state

you can keep to yourself

ill keep out of your way

and if it makes you less sad

ill take your pictures all down

every picture you paint

i will paint myself out

its cold as a tomb

and its dark in your room

when i sneak to your bed

to pour salt in your wounds

so call it quits

or get a grip

say you wanted a solution

you just wanted to be missed

call me a safe bet

Im betting im not

Glad that you can forgive

only hoping as time goes

you can forget

You're ever calm and reposed

as your beauty unfolds

pale white like the skin stretched over your bones

spring keeps you ever close

you are second hand smoke

you are so fragile and thin

standing trial for your sins

holding on to yourself the best you can

you are the smell before rain

you are the blood in my veins

call me a safe bet

im betting im not

glad that you can forgive

only hoping as time goes

you can forget.'

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, Brand New

ok guys, I cannot afford the pretty flowers (yet!) but I am still going to get a tattoo with my best friend.

 

On my hip, I really want

 

collige virgo rosas     "pick, girl, the roses"
 

 

Its attributed to Virgil in De rosis nascentibus. Similar to Carpe Diem, it means seize the day/youth. And, unlike carpe diem, Robbie Williams hasnt got a tattoo of it!

 

What do you all think?

hmmm... cant find a way of gettting the font i want on my computer... if anyone has any ideas please put them up =]

 

 

I get emails saying there are new comments, and it says 'new story comments' but when i click it it says i havent submitted any stories. I can only get to them through other peoples comments (i.e. clicking on 'marji commented on thatsnotmes story in...'

messages people are sending me i cant open.

comments i make on stories arent coming up...

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
 

 

-Looking into someone's eyes while I'll telling them how I feel. Im always up for listening and helping others though







2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry?



Guantanamo Bay protest... argh!







3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?



My mum.







4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.



(A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?

(B) What do you do with your remaining days?

(C) Would you be afraid?

a) those who i thought would care



b) find out if it would be painful or slow. if so, kill myself. if not, major lash, try new drugs, etc etc for the first week. then just stay with family and friends.



c) yes,







5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?



Whats love without trust though? you cant just have one...







6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?



save the dog, bring him to work and say stuff you, i dont need a job, i have a new puppy =]







7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?



yes







8. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?



can we go through time too? if so back to talk to shakespeare, or eliot, or marx, or bakunin

 

if not, then to that lighthouse thats in all that photography, in the middle of the sea where hte waves crash over the top of it..





9. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Would you?


Id give Catherine an hour, but her grief to do that to herself must have been so intense i dont think she would have valued it.... maybe if it was an hour of time with her family, or someone who could have convinced her she didnt have to go. that it would have gotten better. if that was true id give as long as she wanted.







10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?



I think im a good friend, yeah





11. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let him go because of work shortage, and he is the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?



Do i have a family to support too? Will this guy appriciate it? Will it do any good, or will he lose the job eventually anyway?.







12. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?



Telling someone i loved them







13. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?



EP =p. Or freedom. thats what im scared of with the therapeutic community. i know i can go a year without cutting or purging, but not having the option there to fall back on is scary











14. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

 

I told God earlier. Turned out he knew already....


 

15. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?



I would have screamed louder, kicked harder, fought more. and if it had still happened i would have told someone straight away







16. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?



My step dad. 6ft, 250lb cockney who has spent time in the British Army, prison, and other things. And he would go to hell and back for me







17. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?



Yes. I would do it for anyone.

18. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?



Never loved. He who said it was better to have loved and lost has never really loved







19. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?



Anarchy, the way Bakunin described. Therefore more happiness, less poverty and war, freedom, satisfaction, no longer striving for more than we can ever achieve,

There's actually a drug you can get called Soma!!!!

Carisoprodol is a centrally-acting skeletal muscle relaxant whose active metabolite is meprobamate. Although several case reports have shown that carisoprodol has abuse potential[1], it continues to be widely prescribed (except in the United Kingdom where use of benzodiazepines are preferred). Carisoprodol is a colourless, crystalline powder, having a mild, characteristic odor and a bitter taste. It is slightly soluble in water and freely soluble in alcohol, chloroform and acetone. Its solubility is practically independent of pH.

 

OK, so not quite like Huxley described.... but im sure if i took enough i could go on a lovely holiday too!

 

im hurting

really badly

and i dont know why

or how i can stop it

thats about all i can say

thatsnotme.

That there

Thats not me

I go

Where I please

I walk through walls

I float down the Liffey

Im not here

This isn't happening

Im not here

Im not here

In a while

I'll be gone

The moments already passed

Yeah its gone

Im not here

This isn't happening

Im not here

Im not here

Strobe Lights and blown speakers

Fireworks and hurricanes

Im not here

This isnt happening

Im not here

Im not here

~Radiohead, How to Disappear Completely...

Im off to visit my best friend in york. ill probably get online but if i dont, thats where i am!

xxx

Some lovely guy commented on a blog i wrote last night whilst very low.

He said that either people dont like me or Im lying (his punctuation was very poor). Nice. Real nice. Hey, here's a great idea, ill just go to this great support network I love so much, and pretend I was raped, thats all shits and giggles, no?

As well, I cant be suicidal if my avatar has me smiling in it. Amateur mistake, according to him. Nice.

I wasnt even suicidal, I was just hurting so bad that I found myself looking for pills without really thinking.

Im trying to be angry with him, but to be honest Im more hurt.

now he's telling people not to add me because im a bitch, and tleling them to look at my profile.
hes also saying that i have no friends here.

i dont know what and i dont know why but it hurts so fucking much. so much. ive run out of tears, and of anger, at myself and others, run out of everything. it just hurts so bad.

im scared.



if it makes you less sad

i will die by your hand

you can find out who you are

already know what I am



and if it makes you less sad

We'll start talking again

you can tell me how vile

I already know that I am



I'll grow old,

start acting my age

It will be a brand new day

In the life that you hate

A crown of gold

A heart thats harder than stone

And it hurts to hold on

But its missed when its gone.



Call me a safe bet

Im better I'm not



Glad that you can forgive,

only hoping as time goes

you can forget.



If it makes you less sad

Ill move out of this state

you can keep to yourself

Ill keep out of your way



And if it makes you less sad

Ill take your pictures all down

Every picture you paint

I will paint myself out



And its cold as a tomb

and its dark in your room

As I sneak to your bed

To pour salt in your wounds

So call it quits

or get a grip

Say you wanted a solution,

You just wanted to be missed



Call me a safe bet

Im betting Im not



Glad that you can forgive,

Only hope as time goes

You can forget



You're ever calm and reposed

as your beauty unfolds

pale white like the skin stretched over your bones

spring keeps you ever close

you are second hand smoke

you are so fragile and thin

standing trial for your sins

holding onto yourself the best you can

you are the smell before rain

you are the blood in my veins



call me a safe bet

im betting im not



glad that you can forgive

only hoping as time goes

you can forget

but only for the weekend.

why, i hear you ask, dismay in your voices! or not...

because, my friends

IM FUNKING UP AMSTERDAM!!!!

Im going with my university halls (bit of a dubious trip for them to organise... im not complaining!!!!)

so yeas, we leave in a bit to get a 12 hour coach and ferry ride, but twill be OK as the majority of us are already hammered....

Im dead excited, although its slighly lost its appeal now that mushrooms have, apparently, been banned. poop!

anyways, heres to a weekend of complete lash, twill be messy

going to miss you all... i might pop into an internet cafe, but tis amsterdam, and there are better cafes to be at...

oh, did i mention there is 200 of us going?

LASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

xxx

by Brand New
Keep the noise low

she doesn't want to blow it

shaking head to toe and the left hand does the

'show me around'

Quickens your heart beat

beats me straight into the ground...



You don't recover from a night like this

A victim still lying in bed completely motionless

A hand moves in the dark to a zipper

Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets

Barely whisper 'this is so messed up...'



Upon arrival the guests had all stared

dripping wet and clearly depressed he headed straight for the stairs

No longer cool but a boy in a stitch

Unprepared for a life full of lies and failed relationships



Up the stairs, the stations where,

the act becomes the art of growing up



The fever, the focus

the reason that I used to believe you weren't too hard to sell

Die young and save yourself

The tickle, the taste of

It used to be the reason I breathe but now its choking me up

Die young and save yourself...



She hits the lights

This doesn't seem quite fair

Despite everything he learned from his friends he doesn't seem so prepared

She's breathing quiet and smooth

Hes gasping for air

'This is the first and last time' He says

She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his

He keeps his hands pinned down by his side

He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like



He is the lamb, she is the slaughter

Shes moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her

He whispers that he loves her but shes probably only looking for....

So much more than he could ever give

a life full of lies and meaningless relationships

He keeps his hands pinned down by his side

He waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside



up the stairs, the station where,

the act becomes the art of growing up



The fever, the focus,

The reason that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell

die young and save yourself

the tickle, the taste of

It used to be the reason I breathe but now its choking me up

Die young and save yourself



Up the stairs

The Station where

The Act becomes

The Art of Growing up.

You're going to bed? OK, sleep well, I hope you had a good day, what with everything going on and stuff.

Ill be up for a bit, let me know if you're doing anything (I'll find out tomorrow you all stayed up together, just across the hall) but sleep well. I'm sure Ill think of you at some point, whilst I'm sitting here. Your number will stare at me from my phone. 'anytime you need anything, yeah?' but no. Its not so fun anymore, is it? The late nights, the crying, the doctors, the stitches.



I'll make it up to you, dont worry, sorry. We'll go for a meal. Don't worry, Ill just slip away afterwords, just need to freshen up. Oh, you need the toilet too? Can you just hang onto my bag a minute, or Ill watch you and go when you get back? OK, I can take my bag. Ha, I have to use the disabled toilets, silly habit of mine, aren't i stupid.

Oh, yeah, I splashed water on my face because I was tired and hot. I'm sleeping fine, just too much partying, uni student and all. he he. No, I don't know why my eyes are red.



Definitely, it was a huge meal. But its good to treat yourself, don't worry. A few calories didn't harm anyone (except me. every one of them. they must be got rid of. How weak must you be to indulge in something like eating?)



Lets go to the bar, I'm feeling good. I want to laugh and joke. Pick up any guy I find. Another drink would be great, thanks.  Why is he ignoring me? Is she looking at me funny? Its this top, isn't it? makes me look fat. Don't worry, I'll have another drink. Please, see my wrists and I reach for the pint. Wait, what am I saying? Don't look at me, don't see me. But maybe, deep down, can you worry? just a little bit. Just think you might miss me when I'm gone. Or not.



You're tired? Me too, god, so many parties and late nights. Ill go back with this guy, I know, he's so ugly, I wouldn't dream of sleeping with him- I can do so much better. But can i? Look at how he looks at me, a piece of meat, an easy lay (but at least he's looking, right?) Please, don't take my top off. Why not? oh, just some silly scratches from when I was younger... Stupid emo kid and all that... Yeah, I don't know why the scars look so fresh.

Cut to me sobbing, please, please don't tell anyone, I'm fine, honest. No one can know.



Yeah, I'm feeling good, night guys, love you all. Ill be fine, yeah. I'm just like you, aren't I? You all curl up in a ball and cry yourself to sleep, don't you? you long with every fiber of your being to be something else, or to just disappear? Your hearts all break the moment you are alone and everything goes black and you cant live any more?



Don't you?

I try to breathe

Memories overtaking me

I try to face them but

the thought is too

Much to conceive



I only know that I can change

Everything else just stays the same

So now I step out of the darkness

That my life became 'cause



I just needed someone to talk to

You were just too busy with yourself

You were never there for me to

Express how I felt

I just stuffed it down

Now I'm older and I feel like

I could let some of this anger fade

But it seems the surface

I am scratching

Is the bed that I have made



So where were you

When all this I was going through

You never took the time to ask me

Just what you could do



I only know that I can change

Everything else just stays the same

So now I step out of the darkness

That my life became 'cause



I just needed someone to talk to

You were just too busy with yourself

You were never there for me to

Express how I felt

I just stuffed it down

Now I'm older and I feel like

I could let some of this anger fade

But it seems the surface

I am scratching

Is the bed that I have made



It's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high

Since I first saw you

Since I could stand on my own two feet again

Since I could call you

But everything I can't

remember as fucked up as it

all may seem the consequences

that I've rendered I've stretched

myself beyond my means



It's been awhile

Since I could say that I wasn't addicted

Since I could say I love myself as well

Since I've gone and fucked things

up just like I always do

But all that shit seems to

disappear when I'm with you

But everything I can't remember

as fucked up as it may seem

The consequences that I've rendered,

I've gone and fucked things up again.

Why must I feel this way

Just make this go away,

Just one more peaceful day



It's been awhile

Since I could look at myself straight

Since I said I'm sorry

Since I've seen the way

the candle lights your face

But I can still remember

just the way you taste

But everything I can't remember as

fucked up as it all may seem to be

I know it's me I cannot blame this on my

father he did the best he could for me



It's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high

and it's been awhile since I said

I'm sorry



To my Mother

To my Father

It's your son or

It's your daughter

Are my screams

Loud enough for

You to hear me?

Should I turn this up for you?



I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us no where

Gert's us no where way too fast



The silence

Is what kills me

I need someone

Here to help me

But you don't know

How to listen

And let me make

My decisions



I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us no where

Gets us no where way too fast



All your insults

And your curses

Make me feel like I'm not a person

And I feel like

I am nothing

But you make me

So do something



Cause I'm fucked up

Because you are

Need attention

Attention you couldn't give



I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us no where

Gets us no where way too fast



I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us no where

Gets us no where way too fast